Harper Vetos Bridge Regulations

November 5, 2012 § Leave a comment

bridge regulations are so fascist.

In an effort to increase trade, Stephen Harper will exempt any company that wants to build a new Windsor to Detroit bridge from all environmental regulations. This is of course great news for Shitty Eddies Bridge Company who constructs their bridges out of rusty paint cans and plastic six pack rings.

avoid crossing.

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Obama Responds to Sandy too Soon?

November 3, 2012 § Leave a comment

wait until there are some dead.

Republicans are criticizing Obama for responding too soon to hurricane Sandy. They say they preferred Bush’s technique for dealing with disaster relief which is to hunker down, shop online and wait until Sean Penn shows up with a boat.

Sean lives the plot of a bad Hollywood movie.

Beached Dolphins Ride the Tide

September 9, 2012 § Leave a comment

Lucky tide

39 beached dolphins in Boston’s Cape Cod are safe this week after returning to the ocean with the tide.   Beachgoers say that they are relieved because nothing spoils family fun day like a bunch of dolphin carcasses.  

dead dolphins ruining vacations

Now that the dolphins are back to sea, everyone can now get back to working on their tans and ignoring armageddon.

whatchoo talkin’ bout Willis?

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Alberta’s ‘Friendly’ Oil & Lube

July 19, 2012 § Leave a comment

The squinty pump looks meany mean

Enbridge has been under fire recently for using a controversial cartoon image in an attempt to prove the point that Oil from Alberta is friendlier than oil from other countries.  Enbridge says it is important to note that although the the oil is friendlier, it will still fuck you at the pump.

Oil makes getting fucked by the government fun!

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Contaminated Bluefin Tuna Scares Fishermen

June 4, 2012 § Leave a comment

the fallout continues…

Scientists are reporting that the bluefin tuna in California waters are carrying radioactive contamination that leaked from Japan’s crippled nuclear plant during last year’s earthquake.  Officials became concerned after several tuna developed abs and a penchant for violence.  This is unfortunate because abs are the most delicious part of the tuna and now they are very hard to acquire.     

fish with abs are the first sign of apocalypse

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Monsanto Says, “Organ Failure, Schmorgan Failure”

June 2, 2012 § Leave a comment

Monsanto is very, very bad.

In Environmental Terrorism news,  Activists are angry that biotech company Monsanto has forced Napalese farmers into using their genetically modified corn seeds,  known to cause organ failure.  A spokesperson for Monsanto says that people shouldn’t worry because, “the corn is delicious and the organ failure is barely noticeable.”  

Dick Cheney got a new heart and so can you!

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Global Warming Is Good For Business

May 5, 2012 § Leave a comment

no more ice, ice baby.

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A new Arctic shipping route to be established by 2017 due to ice thinning in the Artic Seas.  Our planet may be slowly warming up but on the bright side we will be receiving way more shitty plastic toys from China.  

Oh, hello kitty!

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